Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from spot. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")

And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Indeed, certain, let's have An additional area wherever American men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is soft electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is that he should prevent employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You already know, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from space, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is not only hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate control established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The ad campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A the Trump Tower Damascus latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting interest from international traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even include:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge the place my PTSD can have turn-down provider."

Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Final Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."